Which “mean” do you mean?

We all know the word “average” is slippery. Are you talking about the mean? The median? The mode? The family next door, regardless of how atypical your door is?

But wait. The word “mean,” while seeming precise, is actually just as multifaceted and ambiguous as “average.” Consider all the things we might mean by “mean…”

1. Arithmetic Mean. The classic one you’re probably thinking of.

2. Geometric Mean. Useful when you’re dealing with some kind of multiplicative process, like averaging growth rates. Never larger than the arithmetic mean.

3. Harmonic Mean. Great for averaging rates. Also great for seeming like a knowledgeable insider in the world of averaging, into the cool indie means your friends haven’t even heard of.

4. Slothometric Mean. Beloved by those adorably lazy three-toed mammals we all know and love (i.e., opinion columnists).

5. Politicometric Mean. The essence of democracy. For better or worse.

6. FOMO-metric Mean. A novel 21st-century computation for summarizing a complex reality in a way that makes you feel terrible.

7. Resumetric Mean. A form of data interpolation, allowing you to take credit not just for the things you actually did, but for the whole latent distribution of things you, like, totally could‘ve done.

8. Vaguemetric Mean. Useful whenever you have a nonsense number in need of a fancy title.